I was adamant that it would never happen again.
I swore after the last time that it was the end for us.
I promised my husband it was all over.
I had punished myself enough and deserved to be happy. I needed to be free from the hold you had over me.
For 12 long years, I was seduced by your promises.
I believed your every word.
Deep down, I knew it would never be a long-term commitment but for a few weeks I enjoyed the attention, craved the compliments and walked with an added spring in my step.
The euphoria did not last for long.
After a while, the reality set in. Each day was the same. I lost interest in the things you had to offer. I grew tired of you, bored even. I was giving up so much but getting so little back in return.
The attention started to wane, the compliments started to cease and the spring in my step became more of a limp.
The initial attraction I felt towards you started to fade. I was empty.
In the end it was just too much for me and I couldn’t keep up with your demands anymore.
Inside I was miserable.
For a while I convinced myself that it was me, not you.
That I was too weak, I gave up too easily.
I admit, I was much happier without you. I felt more carefree.
My family and friends benefited most from my decision. It was liberating to enjoy time with them without worrying that I was letting you down, or letting myself down.
I felt more well-rounded. I felt full.
But I am weak.
And, I am vain.
The desire is too much to resist this time.
The stretch of my jeans is too tight.
The straps of my bra leave marks too deep.
The roll of my stomach hangs too low.
You have promised that you won’t make me feel empty again.
You have lured me back with your promise of rapid weight loss, slow carbs, red wine, no exercise and cheat days.
You go by the name of the 4-Hour Body and a few people have told me that you could be the one.
I have dusted down my old skinny jeans in anticipation.
Fad diet, I have missed you.
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