All posts filed under: Miscarriage

My Miracle Baby

They call them miracle babies, the ones conceived after years of unexplained infertility. The couples who try and try and try and then one day, when they are least expecting it, when they have all but given up hope, something in the sky aligns, the timing is right and they are pregnant. There are also many babies conceived on the first attempt. Couples who did not have to endure months of trying, the two-week wait that feels like an age, or the disappointment when the line does not turn blue. Again. That was us. The Greek God(zilla) and I got pregnant with our son on the first attempt. I did not have to pee on a single ovulation stick, keep a fertility diary, or consider assisted conception. I did not really understand the struggle many other couples go through then. I had no idea of the feelings of frustration, anger, resentment, confusion and deep sadness that follows when it just doesn’t seem to work out. Until we started trying for number two. I think I assumed it would just …

No More Babies?

After my first miscarriage, I thought the only thing that would heal me would be to fall pregnant again. Then, I did fall pregnant again. But, the memory of miscarriage did not disappear. If anything, it only magnified. After my second miscarriage, I thought the only thing that would heal me would be to NOT fall pregnant again. We did not rule out the possibility of having a bigger family, but I needed some time to let my body recover. It was a relief to press pause on the monthly cycle of trying to get pregnant, the two-week wait to find out if we passed the pee-on-a-stick test. The heavy heart when we did not, the excitement when we did; and the dread that followed when I remembered that my last pregnancy miscarried and there was a 60% chance that this one would too. I enjoyed the freedom of not trying, not knowing, not caring. Weeks turned into months, months turned into a year, a year turned into almost two, and at some point along …

Miscarriage Never Really Leaves You

My last miscarriage was in January 2013 and for the most part, I have moved on.  Although, as much as it does not hurt me to speak out loud about miscarriage anymore; nor does the memory have the ability to completely floor me when it pops into my mind, it is still always there. I am reminded of my miscarriages every time someone asks me how many children I have.  Every time someone asks if we planned to have only one and every time someone asks if we plan to have any more. It does not sting in the way that it used to, but it is there. It is there every time I go into the loft and see the corner dedicated to baby equipment – a buggy, cot bed, high chairs, car seats and boxes of baby clothes; and it is there every time I ask myself if it is time to let them go. It does not make me cry, but it does make me sad. It is there every time my son experiences something new and I …

We Need to Talk About the M-Word

Miscarriage. About one in four pregnancies will end this way and yet for something that is sadly so common, most people still know so very little about it. People who have experienced the hurt of a miscarriage feel uncomfortable and embarrassed even, to talk about it. I am not sure if this is because we are told it is taboo to announce a pregnancy before the magic 12-weeks, so feel any loss before then will not be accepted as real. Is a pregnancy in its first 3-months less wanted, less planned for, less loved? Does a woman who loses her baby at 11-weeks have less right to feel as devastated than one who miscarried at 13-weeks? Miscarriage is utter crap at whatever stage it happens. It does not feel like a heavy period – physically or emotionally. It is not something that you can get over with a cup of hot tea and a hug.  Although that is still nice, obviously. It is devastating. It is confusing. And, it is terrifying. It was not supposed …