Friends & Family, Life, Me
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Say No and Let it Go

I have never been brilliant at saying no.

‘Can you work late tonight?’ No problem, I say, while secretly rearranging my plans for dinner.

‘Do you mind helping me with something?’ Of course, I respond, before finding out what they are asking for will take 3-days to complete.

‘Can you help organise the school summer fair/christmas fair/end-of-term cake sale?’ Sure, I reply and mentally set my alarm for 5.30am.

‘Can I borrow the Prada shoes you wore on your wedding day?’ Ok… *sobs*

Why do I find it difficult to say no?

For such a small word, it gets so easily lodged in my throat, cloaked in a heavy layer of guilt and making me feel I am about to let everyone down.

I don’t want to appear rude, I hate uncomfortable confrontations and I try to avoid unnecessary criticism. I much prefer to maintain an upbeat attitude and leave a positive impression.

I have no idea why.

People say no to me all the time and I rarely feel resentful towards them. In fact, the Greek God(zilla) makes it seem like an art form.

However, there are a few who are so unable to see past their own needs and desires to ever make any effort to put themselves out for others, and they do bother me slightly.

Maybe this is why I have had a tendency to value other people’s time more than my own in the past.

And, while I certainly do not consider myself to be a pushover, I do think I sometimes struggle to assert my boundaries and this often means I feel buried under my commitments and leave little time for myself.

Although, saying yes to things I do want to do has never felt as much of a conflict for me.

‘Another drink?’ Oh, go on then…

‘Fancy a splurge at Selfridges?’ Yes please! I reply even when I am dirt broke.

At the end of last year, I realised that I had to stop trying to be everything to everyone.

It had been my year to raise my game, a theme which had come straight off the back of my year of saying yes, both of which had left me feeling a bit tired and burnt out.

I wanted to spread myself less thinly in 2015, step back from the chaos and just let the pieces fall where they fall.

However, after a few months of filling my days with Pilates classes, golf lessons and shopping for the school summer fair, I started to experience something I had not felt in a very a long time.

Boredom.

I had slipped into early retirement at 41-years old, and I was not ready to.

So this summer, I decided to get back in the game. I started a new part-time job, finished the Greek recipe book I was writing with my sister-in-law, and together we launched a new business.

I feel as tired as I did at the end of last year, but the difference this time is that I have no intention of slowing down. In many ways, I feel I am only just getting started. Perhaps even, that everything else has been leading up to this.

In hindsight, what I probably needed at the end of last year was a break.

A break from clients that stressed me out, from people who left me feeling drained, and from situations I no longer found inspiring, energising, or even made me happy.

I needed a better balance.

I have decided this year that my theme for 2016 is to say no and let it go. To spend more time with the people I love, doing the things we love; and less time feeling (self-induced) pressure to do more and be more. I want to be less available to everyone and more available to a few. Some people will always go out of their way to try to be a part or your life and other’s won’t. I admit, I am the same.

I’m not about to cut anyone loose, I enjoy these lighthearted friendships as much as my close ones, but when I start to say no, I will be saying yes to spending more of my free time with the people who are genuinely interested in sharing their lives with me too.

I will also be saying yes to writing a blog post, trying out another of Yiayia’s recipes, building a business and playing snakes and ladders with my son.

I am going to say no, and then I am just going to let it go.

Filed under: Friends & Family, Life, Me

by

Wife to a Greek God(zilla). Mother to our Grenglish son. Sometimes funny. Mostly not. Unless drunk, then I think I am hilarious.

10 Comments

  1. Good, wise words. I did it a couple of years ago, and given the turn life then took, I’m so glad I did or I’d have collapsed. Be prepared for some people to respond badly though. There are people who now consider me less ‘nice’ than I used to be. I’m not at all, I’m just prioritising myself more, and while that’s a good thing, some people won’t understand. It’s all to the good, because if they don’t like it, they were never really your friends anyway, but it sometimes feels uncomfortable. It’s a learning curve.

    But when you refuse to go to the MADs with me next year, I for one won’t take it personally 😉 Take care of you x
    Helen recently posted…The Ghost of Christmas Past and my Perfect ChristmasMy Profile

  2. The MADS was such a treat! It was an honour to be your plus one and I’d jump at the chance again. Plus is the only time an award stands the chance of making it over my threshold 🙂
    Am hoping saying no will get easier as I go along. Have been practising a bit and so far it has been ok – am happy to do favours for people but just want to stop being taken too much for granted.
    Those that mind don’t matter and those that matter don’t mind xx
    Grenglish recently posted…Enough with the eating madnessMy Profile

  3. A really great thing to learn. I’m not too bad at it myself, but one of the things I want to do is de-clutter some of my things and commitments this year, sort of in a similar way as you. And say no more often!

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  5. This was me last year and for the ten years prior to last year! I finally let it go in 2015 and spent the year saying ‘no’ to many things. Instead of feeling guilty, I actually felt liberated! Yes the word stuck in my throat on occasion and I backed out of actually saying it sometimes, but I’m better than I was, definitely. Well done you. You can do it in 2016!
    Suzanne recently posted…Goodbye 2015My Profile

  6. I completely empathise with this. I have always been rubbish at saying ‘no’. I always felt that if I said ‘no’ to something the other person’s feelings would be hurt or they would like me less. I always put other people’s requests first & I was wearing myself out. I always thought I needed to come up with some elaborate excuse. A little while ago I was beating myself up about not wanting to go on a trip with some people I know. A good friend of mine said that you don’t have to explain your reasons, just a simple ‘I can’t make those dates’ will suffice. Since talking to her, I’ve turned down a number of things with a direct ‘we can’t make that day’ and it works, the world doesn’t stop turning, the friendship still remains. It feels like a huge release. I decided at the end of last year that I needed to start making decisions I was happy with. I wrote a blog post about it at the start of the New Year. Hopefully I can stick with my new found assertiveness & put myself first for a change…
    Me, You and Magoo recently posted…Five ways an allotment makes family life betterMy Profile

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