Friends & Family, Health & Happiness, Life, Miscarriage

We Need to Talk About the M-Word

Miscarriage.

About one in four pregnancies will end this way and yet for something that is sadly so common, most people still know so very little about it.

People who have experienced the hurt of a miscarriage feel uncomfortable and embarrassed even, to talk about it.

I am not sure if this is because we are told it is taboo to announce a pregnancy before the magic 12-weeks, so feel any loss before then will not be accepted as real.

Is a pregnancy in its first 3-months less wanted, less planned for, less loved?

Does a woman who loses her baby at 11-weeks have less right to feel as devastated than one who miscarried at 13-weeks?

Miscarriage is utter crap at whatever stage it happens.

It does not feel like a heavy period – physically or emotionally.

It is not something that you can get over with a cup of hot tea and a hug.  Although that is still nice, obviously.

It is devastating.

It is confusing.

And, it is terrifying.

It was not supposed to happen to you.

It was not supposed to happen to me.

I did not feel very pregnant.  My boobs were a little bit sore, but I did not feel overly tired or sick.  All of which were very prominent symptoms in my first pregnancy.

I started to have dreams about blood.  Lots and lots of blood filling my womb.

I dreamt about the TV show, Dexter, and more blood.

I dreamt I miscarried.

I began googling things like: ‘no pregnancy symptoms’ and ‘could I have miscarried without noticing?’

When I was 10-weeks along, I went for an early pregnancy scan at my local hospital.  I had experienced a tiny amount of pink spotting, only when I wiped, but I needed some reassurance that everything was ok in there.

I lay back in the chair, my modesty covered only by a white paper towel, and tried to relax while the doctor performed a transvaginal scan.

She was silent throughout the examination.

It didn’t matter, I already knew.

Tears started to fall down my cheeks as she removed the scanning instrument and told me that she could not detect a heartbeat, and the fetus was measuring at only 6-weeks.

I felt dizzy. Sick. Scared. Vulnerable.

I couldn’t catch my breath properly.

The hospital policy was to wait a week and then scan again to confirm.  In this time, it was possible that I might miscarry naturally.

So I was sent home to wait.

I waited for my baby to leave my body.

Willed it to, even.

Every single twinge, every cramp and every ache, made me wonder if this was it and if it was about to start.

I wondered how much it would hurt.

Wondered if I would pass the sac, and if it would be recognisable.

I sat on the sofa and waited for my body to finish what it started.

It did not.

A week later, I returned to the hospital for another scan and it was confirmed that the pregnancy had failed.

Early embryonic demise is the term they used.

I opted to have an ERPC (Evacuation of Remaining Products of Conception) the following day.

I was 11-weeks pregnant, exactly one week before the magic 12-week scan, and lying flat on an operating table with an oxygen mask covering my face, waiting for my baby to be removed.

I was trembling so much that I could not speak.  I just cried.  Big fat silent tears rolling down my face and onto the clean white sheets beneath me.

‘Are you ok?’ the surgeon asked.

I nodded.

But, I was far from feeling ok.

Everything had changed.

I knew I would never be the same again.

I didn’t know if I would ever be able to move past it.

But, I did.

Kind of.

Not really.

A little bit.

I was doing a good job of trying.  I could get my head around these things happening and it being nature’s way – all the things people felt they needed to tell me; but I found the physical process of miscarriage totally traumatising.

If I had any suffered any other kind of loss, or had any other kind of operation, people might have sent cards, flowers, or popped round with chicken soup.

But, most people find it difficult to know what to say or do in this situation, and there is not much advice out there for friends and family.

Some may try to cheer you up, hoping to make you feel better this way.

Others will try and reassure you with positive stories of women they know who had several miscarriages before finally going on to have a healthy pregnancy.

Some people will just say nothing at all.  Scared of making you cry.

So, I focused on other things.

I started the Couch to 5k plan.  I started to eat a bit better.  I cut back on the wine.

I was moving on in my own way, but some days it would still catch me totally unaware.

I would be standing at the kitchen sink thinking about whether to make chicken fajitas or spaghetti bolognaise for dinner, when suddenly without warning I would just burst into floods of tears.

The sadness would just creep up on me from nowhere and there was nothing I could do to stop it.  I just had to stand there and continue thinking about chicken fajitas, or spaghetti bolognaise, until the moment passed.

It felt so unfair.

It was not supposed to happen to me.

It was certainly not supposed to happen to me again.

I fell pregnant again just 3-months later.

This pregnancy came with extreme tiredness, breast tenderness and sickness.

I definitely felt differently about it.  I did not have the empty feeling, the dreams about blood, or the obsessive googling of symptoms, or lack thereof.

I went in for a reassurance scan at 7-weeks and a heartbeat was detected.

I felt pregnant.  I knew this one was going to stick.

I spent a sober Christmas driving the Greek God(zilla) from party to party and throwing up in various car parks and driveways.  Yet, every wave of nausea felt like a positive reminder of what was taking place in my body.

At 9-weeks, I went back in for a dating scan.

The sonographer was silent throughout.

She did not have to say a thing, I could see in her face that it had happened again.

I took a deep breath and placed my right arm over my eyes as she continued to probe about, desperately trying to find some good news to tell me.

‘It’s not looking good for this pregnancy’ she quietly concluded.

No cramping, no bleeding, no loss of pregnancy symptoms.  But, early embryonic demise was the diagnosis I was still sent home with.

Again.

Another child that would never be.  Another sibling, grandchild, nephew, niece or cousin.

Another age gap getting bigger.

Another mother getting older.

Another decision to make.

Another conversation to have.

Another general anaesthetic.

The devastation could not be relieved this time with a bit of exercise.  The consequences felt so much greater, the risks were so much higher, and the loss so much harder.

Miscarriage.

It might make you feel awkward or uncomfortable but it shouldn’t.

Sadly, one in four pregnancies will end this way.

If it happens to someone you know, tell her how sorry you are.  Send a text message, an email, or a card to let them know you are thinking of them.

They need to know you get it.

Resist asking if her age was a factor. Maybe. Maybe not. Women in their twenties miscarry too.

Don’t try to be overly positive. Maybe things will work out next time but for now, they have just lost a baby and not just failed a driving test.

This is also not the time to ask when they will try again.

If they already have a child, they do not need reminding how lucky they are.

Nor try to find a silver lining… ‘At least it happened early on, can you imagine how hard it would be if it happened later… ’Of course! I cannot imagine the devastation of losing a baby after feeling a kick, growing a bump, decorating a nursery, or holding him in your arms. There is nothing more tragic.

Yet, everyone’s experience of miscarriage is individual and relative to them, so we must try not to minimise it.

I found the most comforting messages to be ones that said ‘This is shit. I am sorry it has happened to you. Is there anything you need?’

Miscarriage.

It is mostly random and unexplained.

I was ‘lucky’ in that I discovered thyroid antibodies were behind my miscarriages.  Unlucky in that these antibodies give me a 60% chance of miscarrying again.

But many couples will never know why.

They will enter each subsequent pregnancy with trepidation, prepared for the worst to happen.  Every twinge will feel a cause for concern.  There will be no excited Facebook statuses or Twitter annoucements. They will never skip in to a magic 12-week scan again.

Miscarriage is frightening.

It is out of your control and once it has started, there is nothing you can do to stop it.

But, you will get through it.

And I promise you this – you are not alone.

*****

Are you or someone you know going through this?  I found the information on the Miscarriage Association website really helpful: www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk

112 Comments

  1. Oh god I’m crying. This is a stunning post Sarah.
    Every pregnancy after a miscarriage is terrifying. I became unrecognisable in pregnancy even to myself. And yet before mine, I had been the friend who had no idea what to say, and got it wrong, when it happened to friends.
    It needs to be talked about, if only so that people know that they are not alone, that others know how they are feeling.
    Well done for getting this post into type x
    Actually Mummy… recently posted…MAD Blog Awards Finalists. Wot so Funee about that?My Profile

    • I have also been the friend who got it wrong but it was only when it happened to me that I knew what to say. I hope if more people talk about it, it will make the experience less lonely for everyone x

  2. This is a brilliant post. I had an ectopic pregnancy the first time I ever became pregnant. It was awful and I agree with you people don’t know what to say. I felt so cheated. The next time I was pregnant I was consumed with anxiety and fear. I never got to feel that happy innocence, that excitement many people feel. X
    Emily G recently posted…Mother’s Day: ceramic chickens and sentimentsMy Profile

    • I feel fortunate that I did get to experience that happy innocence in my first pregnancy but when I think back to how unworried I was, I think how naive I was. Wouldn’t happen now!

  3. Thank you for this honest and beautifully written post. I agree with everything that you have said, especially about what to say, and not say, after miscarriage. I recently wrote something similar about some of the insensitive crap I’ve heard in the last couple of weeks since my post-IVF miscarriage. It really does suck. And whilst I recognise that there is no instruction manual for people on what to say or do when they learn someone has had a miscarriage, I think it is time it became less awkward and more talked about. And there sure as hell is no manual for how to deal with it when it happens to you, so more openness could be a great help and support there too. I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through this., but thanks again for sharing. x
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  4. Wonderful writing, very moving, and so important. So many of us go through this, we are not alone, we understand each other’s grief- even if we each feel it differently. Xxx
    Sonya Cisco recently posted…BreakfastMy Profile

  5. This is such a beautifully written, honest and raw post and you’re so brave to have written it. I’m so so sorry you have had to experience the pain of miscarriage, as someone who’s gone through it too, I can totally relate and it’s something I still struggle to reflect on and think about now. All that thinking of what might have been… It does change you, in some way, and sadly that does stay with you I think, no matter how much you recognise you are fortunate in other areas of your life. It is one of the saddest moments of anyone’s life, I wish that neither of us had ever had to go through it but well done for talking about it as this will definitely help others xxxx
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  6. I have tears rolling down my cheek reading this. I suffered a miscarriage in between Chester and Millie. It was awful, no support and no one knew what to say. Well done for writing this post xxxx

  7. This is so sad to read my lovely but I know many women who’ve been in similar situations will read and gather strength from this xx and that’s a great thing. I know it would have taken a lot to post this xxx

  8. I have no words Sarah. No words. Other than I am so sorry that you and in fact any woman, and her family, have to go through this.

    And that I love you.
    Mummy Barrow recently posted…Job DoneMy Profile

  9. My heart is aching for you Sarah. I want to give you a very big hug. Such a brave post to write. I think everyone reading it will feel moved – and upset – but this is a good thing because the more people talk about miscarriage in an open way, the better. Sending you lots of love xxxx

  10. My lovely Sarah – I’m so so sorry for your losses. I can’t begin to know how you feel but I hope that sharing your experiences goes a tiny way to enabling you to cope just that little bit better. I don’t know if it will but I’m here for you. If you need me. xx
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  11. Julie Roo says

    Hi Sarah, Ive not commented here before, that Mrs Barrow sent me over.
    I cant say anything youve not already heard, but you do have my understanding. Ive had too many miscarrages. For me nothing medical involved, luckily. I really thing the medical intervention makes it harder, annesethetic is nasty.

    This is a brilliant post, powerfully written and I’ve mega respect for you writting this.
    Julie Roo recently posted…Today I’m proudMy Profile

  12. Oh my lovely girl I’m so so sorry. I think miscarriage is a pain that we carry forever more but in being so brave in writing this, please know how much it will help others too. I’ll never understand why something as tragic let alone something that so many of us have sadly been through, is hushed away because nobody quite knows what to say. Sending big fat kisses x

  13. I don’t know the right words to say. I am that person. But somehow you have found the words to right this and I admire you massively.
    My heart goes out to you and every other woman who has had to go through this.
    Much love xx
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  14. This is such a beautifully written and emotional post that made me sit here in tears. You are very brave for writing it and my heart goes out to you for what you went through. I have never been through the pain of a miscarriage but I know from the second that you see that extra line on the pregnancy test, there are hopes, dreams and so many thoughts of the future. If that is taken away, then that is an unbelievable loss at whatever the stage. x
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  15. I know how hard this has been for you to write and what an outstanding job you have done. It is truly honest and heart breaking. One day I would like to have the courage to write such a beautiful post about my tale of devastation that still haunts me. I does never go away but it does get easier. X
    HPMcQ recently posted…the south bankMy Profile

  16. Oh sweetie, I am so very sorry that you had to go through this, had to suffer, had to write this post because it is so true that people do not know how to respond. The comment I heard most was “I didn’t even know you were pregnant”, as if I had offended them by not telling them the good news before I had to convey the bad.

    Sending all my love.

    And thank you, for writing this. You have no idea how big a difference it will make to many hundreds of women. Women like me.
    Domestic Goddesque recently posted…Mother’s Day without a motherMy Profile

  17. Noo says

    Big fat tears rolling down my cheeks. This is incredible writing. You are an incredible lady. Beyond that there are no words except…love you Smudger xxxxx

  18. Huge, huge hugs Sarah. I have been there so I do know that bitter disappointment very well, that fear of the operating theatre and the total lack of control over the situation. I have been there three times and my 1st miscarriage was at 21 weeks the shock of which has never left my heart.
    I chose to use reflexology and acupuncture, I worked at it three months and the result was good, my beautiful twin girls you see me bragging about every day. I wrote about my journey on Mari’s World too with all my tips and as much info as I possibly could as I didn’t want anyone else to feel so hopeless.
    In all this misery you are ‘lucky’ in as much as you know why it is happening, with that knowledge you’ll be able to find a way around it, Zita West was my shining star, please Google and read her.
    Sending much love and always here if you want to know any more xxx

  19. I am so sorry Sarah. What was devastating for me was to discover the NHS do not test you to find out if something is wrong until you’ve had THREE miscarriages. How cruel is that? I had two in the space of 5 months, and was terrified to try for another baby until I was sure my body wouldn’t reject the pregnancy. My GP and local hospital were unsympathetic – even treated me like I was some hysterical crazy woman! I had to fight, and travel to a hospital 70 miles away, to get a simple set of blood tests to rule out any “obvious” problems. It wasn’t much, but it gave me the courage to try again, and have my two sons. I’ll never know why those first two pregnancies were unsuccessful, but the next two went without a hitch. But I’ll never forget those babies who might have been.
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  20. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. A very moving post and just look at the response from people who empathise, whether they have had a miscarriage or not.
    I had a miscarriage a couple of years after my son was born. I remember I had to host an NCT barbecue the day after! I got on with it and no-one was any wiser and there I was with all these mums and babies. A very strange day.
    I didn’t have any more children but thankfully the joy I have had with my boy has more than made up for the disappointment and loss of the baby who might have been. Although the number of times I had to deal with the ‘aren’t you having any more children?’ question without walloping someone …!

  21. Julia says

    Hi, I just wanted to say how beautifully written this post was, and how much I can relate to it. I had two early miscarriages before having my gorgeous girl, the second one was actually found out at an early scan two years ago today. I found out at the time that so many people I knew had been through the pain of a miscarriage and I had no idea, and since then other friends and family members have been through it too. It’s so unbelievably common, and yet no one ever talks about it. For me, it is not something I will ever completely get over, and if we do try for a second child, despite my most recent successful pregnancy, I know I will still be living the anxieties all over again. So thank you so much for sharing this – I’m sure it will strike a chord with so many women because, as you so rightly say, we are not alone. Far from it.
    Julia recently posted…Crazy DreamsMy Profile

  22. There’s a big gap between my older children and my younger children. I see people wondering why, was it a new relationship? Did I plan it this way? No, I had three miscarriages. It’s an awful experience, and the lack of real support from the NHS speaks volumes of how this is thought of. Much love to you.
    liveotherwise recently posted…All of life. All of me.My Profile

  23. Thank you for writing this, it must have been really hard to be so honest. I am so sorry for your losses, I can’t image anything more heart wrenching. It’s so difficult not knowing why these things happen and must be so difficult to know what is the ‘right’ way to deal with such loss. At least now I can have a better idea of what to say to friends.
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  24. This is indeed really awful. Ghastly. Miscarriage is utter crap as you say and I am so sorry. If it makes people understand a bit better and you have, then you’ve done a real service to us all. Big hugs to you and your family X

  25. Dear Sarah,

    I am so sorry you have had to endure these losses. This is an incredibly important post, and so beautifully written. How totally and utterly crap that you still face a 60% chance of miscarriage owing to your thyroid…

    Love Sarah. XXX

  26. Crying throughout Sarah, you have done a great, brave thing sharing your experiences and you are right, miscarriage and the pain of it needs to be out in the open, sending much love, always x
    Honest Mum recently posted…Greek Bean Casserole (Fasolada)My Profile

  27. I’m so glad you wrote this. I have never understood the point of keeping a pregnancy secret until the 12-week scan. If something goes wrong before that point, why would you want to cope with it alone? The silence surrounding miscarriage is awful.
    My brother and his wife have just lost a baby at the 8-week point. They’re devastated, and I’m so incredibly sad for them. It doesn’t matter that it’s common – nobody should have to go through this, and certainly not alone. Thank you for sharing how you feel x
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  28. Caroline Magovern says

    Beautiful and brave post – thank you for sharing it. x

  29. Gill says

    Beautifully written Smudgeio. I’m trying to be very mindful when I book women at work when discussing pregnancy loss, you have given me food for thought. Big love to you. Xxxx

  30. I’m so sorry for your losses. Miscarriage really needs to be talked about more, I totally agree.

    I felt completely isolated and alone when I had three miscarriages within eight months. I felt like people just didn’t understand. As you say, the misconception that a miscarriage before 12 weeks is just like a heavy period and should not be mourned, makes having one and the subsequent feelings of grief and loss all the harder to bear. I was advised by several people, including a GP, to not take a pregnancy test if I suspected I was pregnant so that it would be less upsetting if I miscarried. What the F???

    Thank you for this post and I wish you all the best x
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  31. Outnumbered says

    Sarah, this is a very brave and well written post. You are so right is saying that women need to talk more about this subject. I too have suffered, I had two miscarriages in between my first and second children. The first was hard enough but the second completely devastating and I too was scared to try again. People I work with said nothing but the most hurtful comment came from my own Mother who said I should just “think of it as a heavy period”. Clearly from a woman who has never suffered that kind of loss. You have my deepest sympathy. x

  32. Thank you so much for writing this, Sarah. I’ve had many miscarriages and I could relate to so much of what you wrote. It’s rare to find myself in a place where so many people know exactly what we’ve been through, and there’s no need to minimise it, or varnish the truth.
    I could particularly relate to different pregnancies feeling different, but still turning out the same. None of mine were ok, and after eight years we stopped trying. It was a real relief to turn forty.
    I’ve been a therapist for over 10 years, and last autumn I decided to specialise in supporting women who’ve been affected by miscarriage. One of my clients told me about spending a night by herself in hospital, in a room where there was a little card on the wall saying, “If you’d like to talk to someone, call this number.” She said that if there had been ANYthing else, she would have done it. I felt as if a knife had gone through my heart, and I thought, “I can do that!” – provide some help and support which women can access there and then, when they’re stuck on their own there.
    So that’s what I’m doing. The more help and support, (and understanding of what it’s like) the better.
    There’s loads of free resources on my website, because I wanted women all around the world (provided they have internet access) to have support, and things which they can use right there and then, 24 hours a day, 365 days of the year, without having to pay. I hope it’s ok to put a link to it here. http://www.miscarriage-support.com
    Rosalind x
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  33. Thank you my wonderful friend for writing this. I am sitting here crying because you get it. You get exactly what I’ve felt like for the past 3 years and you’ve written it so beautifully. I feel like I need to carry this post around in my handbag so when some stranger asks me why I only have 1 child I can hand this over to them instead of having to awkwardly tell them that I’ve lost 3 babies. My grief hits me at very strange times, some days I don’t think about it at all other days it’s all I think about. I think about how old these babies would be now, what kind of sister Sadie would be to them, how our life would have changed. I think for the rest of my life I will think about those babies. I know that for us, we will only ever have one child and I’m at peace with that…most days. Thank you again for writing this, you are so very brave xoxo

  34. A beautifully written piece about something we all need to talk about so much more. So many hugs and so much love for you. I have been there three times, two miscarriages between babies 2 & 3 and then an ectopic pregnancy between babies 3 & 4. I have 4 beautiful, amazing children but those little lost babies will always be in my heart, they will always be remembered.
    I was so lucky to have told close friends early on in all the pregnancies and I had amazing support but goodness me it hurts…at what ever stage you lose a baby. And I really don’t think women receive enough support at all.
    Thank you for sharing. Huge hugs xxx
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  35. Oh this makes my heart ache. My best friend recently lost twins very early on in her pregnancy that were IVF babies and so very longed for siblings for their daughter. I cannot describe the pain she has been through mourning the loss of those precious babies she only carried for 7 weeks. But those 7 weeks are a lifetime to her and you are so right, miscarriage is not talked about enough, love to you and your family xxxx
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  36. This post has brought back so many memories and my heart goes out to you. I lost a baby at 13 weeks and it was one of the most traumatic things I ever went through. Like you I had to have a general anaesthetic. The date is ingrained on my memory and every year I remember. The one things that gets me through is my son that was born 8 months after that baby would have been born – he wouldn’t be here otherwise!
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  37. Thanks for writing such a great post! I have written a few posts on my blog to help raise awareness. I have Oscar who is 4 and since then had 2 miscarriage’s then was diagnosed with “sticky blood” and told to take 150mg of aspirin daily. We got to 12 weeks (the relief) but then was told our baby had a rare chromosme disorder with a life expectancy of 6 weeks. I then was induced and had him at 17 weeks in January of this year. Im terrified of being pregnant now and think that maybe it will never work out for us! I’m always hear if you fancy a chat! Please don’t feel alone xxx

  38. Vicky MUDGE says

    You have been through so much my darling, and you are a wonderful inspiration to anyone entering the realms of parenthood! It is not always plain sailing and doesn’t always have a happy ending. But it is part of life’s very rich tapestry, Remember you loved totally, not least by me, I agree with you it is a taboo subject and it shouldn’t be, but like so many subjects that cause all of us to think about mortality in any way, we all get a little awkward and uncomfortable.

    Love

    Vickyxxx

  39. Louise says

    Thankyou for such a beautifully written heartfelt post. Sums it all up perfectly. I didn’t want to tell anyone when I miscarried (twice in 6 months) because I didn’t want to talk about it. But I should have. If people were more comfortable I might have.

  40. Sarah – no words, except it is shit, and it shouldn’t happen to anyone, sending hugs and much love. I know how hard it was to write this, but I hope in some way it has helped you, and I know it will certainly help many others which is why I shared it on my social media xxx
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  41. Hi, I’m so sorry to hear your sad news. I had two miscarriages (like you, three months apart) in 2012 in between our two sons who are now 3, and 14 weeks (an age gap I thought would be too large, but turns out to be perfectly suited to them) I really feel like there is too much of a taboo about miscarriage. I found so many people would tell me their experiences but only when they found out about mine. I’m now quite open about it. They would have been my children, and I owe it to them, and others going through this, to raise my voice and join in with the discussion about how we can better support people experiencing this horror.
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  42. Thank you for writing this post and for being so honest. I’m sure it will really help people going through it right now. I’ll always think of my babies who might have been and I feel privileged to have carried my daughter to full term. I’ve buried the details of my miscarriages so much that I can’t even remember how many times it happened to me. I know that the last time was around the time my adopted son was born.
    Mums do travel recently posted…Penshurst Place and Gardens, KentMy Profile

  43. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences in this beautifully written and heartfelt post. I had suffered three miscarriages in the last year and I’m still trying for my first (very longer for) child. Having had three ERPCs I know the feelings of wishing that a failed pregnancy would pass without needing another operation. I’ve even had a medical miscarriage (abortion pills) but this also failed and I needed another operation. I still have faith that our baby will come if we just keep trying and I hope you’re able to give your child the sibling you long for. For more info about my quest to be a mummy see mymmcstory.wordpress.com

  44. Pingback: Why it's okay not to want to talk about miscarriage |

  45. Beansproutmummy says

    Sarah this is such an amazingly honest post. It brought back lots of feelings for me. You could have been writing about me. Miscarriage is so unknown and people who havent experienced miscarriage can say such hurtfully things trying to be positive. My husband blogged about our miscarriage before Christmas and a colleague that read it said to me ‘well it was so early no one would know so why write about it’ I burst into tears in front if him and he left me on my own.
    Some new tease arch has been carried out in Denmark into miscarriage and why it happens and it found that working night shifts and lifting weights over 20kg per day put women at a higher risk of miscarriage.

    As you said miscarriage is shit and people need to talk about it more.

    Thank you for sharing

    Alex xxx

  46. I am in absolute floods reading this. I am so sorry. I had the same thing happen to me last October. It was my first miscarriage and it was devastating. I am still trying to cope now and can’t wait for May (my DD) to be out of the way – it is harder because my OHs best friend has his baby due then. Thankfully I am armed with family history as to why this might happen – but as you say, many people don’t. We are trying again, but I am scared of what might happen again. Thank you for sharing this very important post xxx
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  47. Perdita says

    “Resist asking if her age was a factor. Maybe. Maybe not. Women in their twenties miscarry too.”

    This x 10000!!! I have met GPs who haven’t pushed for tests after 3 because the woman is over 30 (they don’t even bother checking the NHS guidelines – which say after 42! – so sure are they). The media has made it the ‘easy’ answer.

    I was told without treatment, I would have (or have rather) lost every pregnancy ever ‘even if you were 18′. Thankfully a clued up gynie kindly overruled my GP and referred me to the RMC at St Mary’s… meaning my odds shot up with treatment.

    I find it shocking how many medical staff fall into the trap of insensitivity or plain ignorance.

  48. Becky says

    Oh wow that brought back so many memories for me. I had a suffered a missed miscarriage a few years ago, I went for my 12 week scan, I didn’t have a clue that they were going to say there was nothing there, my husband and I were devastated, I went home to wait for it to happen naturally, I have never felt such sadness and emptiness. I fell pregnant about a year later but miscarried at 8 weeks, it doesn’t matter how many you suffer it doesn’t get any easier. We went and saw a speciallist where he didn’t find anything wrong with either of us so we had IUI with no result and were just about to start IVF when I found out I was pregnant, we now have a beautiful, healthy, perfect 10 week old little boy and if he is the only child I am able to have I am truly grateful.

  49. I genuinely don’t know what to say. Your pain is so raw in my head right now that I’m feeling dizzy. Big huge hugs and well done for speaking up about it. I know the feeling of seeing that pregnancy test being positive and what it does to you. If that baby and those dreams are taken away at any point, it is a huge loss. Big hugs xx

  50. Kat says

    Thank you for this post. Your story mirrors mine (although I only went through it once), as does your feeling about it. The date I found out I had lost my baby is etched on my mind, I remember my baby’s birthday and I mourn the milestones that my baby will never reach. People’s reactions at the time varied but I know that few would understand why I still yearn for my baby and always will. I am a mother of three.

  51. Brittney says

    Hi Sarah – What a brave post to write. It speaks volumes that it’s already been shared so widely.

    I am so sorry. There is not much else to say, except that life can just be really, really pants sometimes.

    I can only hope that by sharing your really painful experiences, as you say, other women will know that they are not alone. xo
    Brittney recently posted…Great (and Very Low) ExpectationsMy Profile

  52. What a beautifully written, brave blog post. I tried lots of times to write about my experience but it felt too raw and I was scared to share my grief publicly. But it’s the most important thing we can do. I had a missed miscarriage out of the blue. We skipped into the scan as expectant parents but left devastated. Hardly anyone talked to me about it, not even family that had been through it themselves. I felt so alone. I ended up having counselling which helped me cope with my loss and allowed me to acknowledge my grief. It was losing a baby, not ‘just’ a miscarriage. Now I make a point of talking about it openly and have hopefully been there for a few more friends. I am now pregnant with no.2 but find it almost impossible to enjoy it, even though we’ve experienced a healthy pregnancy. It is associated with so much anxiety. Thank you for sharing x

  53. Debs says

    Thank you so much for sharing. After a first successful pregnancy we were thrilled to fall pregnant having worked out the perfect 18month age gap. We told family and friends, and to be honest were a bit complacent. So totally shocked when I started spotting at 6 weeks. Went to the hospital a week later seeking reassurance and saw a heartbeat on screen. Was told not to worry about about spotting and sent home. Like you I didn’t experience the symptoms I had with number 1 but carried on.

    At 11 and a half weeks the spotting became a bit more red and I went back to the hospital. After a silent scan, the sonographer told is it was bad news. No heartbeat and baby measured only 7.5 weeks. We were gutted. It was a Friday and I was booked in for an ERPC on Tuesday.

    The next few days/ weeks/ months were so hard. I mourned our baby and asked our vicar to hold a little thanksgiving service for hubby and I. I found this really helped and welcomed something tangible that acknowledged my baby’s very short life. I welcomed family and friends who acknowledged our loss and resented those that didn’t. It hurts and people need to know it hurts.

    The thing that disappointed me most was the treatment we received at the hospital. After our scan we were made to wait outside the scan room for almost 2 hours. We heard everyone else receiving good news, I wouldn’t begrudge anyone good news but not what we needed to hear at that stage. We also had a hungry irritable toddler with us. Eventually we got to see the doctor who was the most insensitive person ever. No matter how many times we referred to ‘our baby’ she insisted on using the term fetus. At the very least she should have reflected our language. When describing the ERPC, she used the term ‘suck it out’. My husband and I ended up leaving the appointment because we were so insulted. My child and us as parents deserved and expected more respect from a senior health care professional.

    I am now pregnant again and have had several scares but so far so good. Attitudes do need to change and that needs to start with decent facilities and care at the hospital. Apologies for length of post but something I feel very strongly about.

  54. Tears rolling down my cheeks whilst I bf my second (third) child to sleep, remembering the nightmare of Mother’s Day, 3 years ago, in a Ukrainian hospital, with Russian speaking doctors who shouted at me for crying, who wanted to sedate me because I was too upset, who couldn’t decide, for four days, whether the baby was ok or not. There will always be someone missing, that is why my daughter’s middle name is poppy, to remember that had I not lost that baby I wouldn’t have my beautiful Niamh.

  55. Carol Curtis says

    This is the most accurate account of my experience, I suffered an early miscarriage at 7 weeks,it was to be my fourth baby having never had any issues before it was a huge shock. The devastation and grief,which I had never experienced the like of before was unbearable. I had made plans,made a space in our family for my lost baby and I felt so alone and angry,and worst of all guilty that I couldn’t grow and nurture this baby. That I had failed as it’s mother. The grief hit me in waves. I felt it each time I woke in the morning for a split second hoping it was a dream,it wasn’t. I remember wondering how long I would feel utter despair,how much longer I would sob. The physical aspect of my loss I had to endure at home. My Doctor whilst very sympathetic told me it would be like a heavy period. It wasn’t,and I wrote to tell him so when I felt strong enough in the hope that he could better prepare women in the future. It was horrific,the pain was like the after pains you get when you have given birth,cruel really as it reminded me of what was not going to be. I had to flush my baby away,I remember sobbing and having to get my husband to flush when it became unbearable. I saw more than what I should have had to witness. And in hind site, I would have preferred to have had a preceedure so that it wasn’t a prolonged event. I felt empty. I also knew that I was no longer pregnant before I started to bleed. I can’t explain the feeling other than I stopped feeling sick,and I felt empty. People seemed to get bored of my grief, no one knew what to say,other than the usual,at least it happened in the early stages. And, as it was my fourth,planned I always found myself stating,I had the,at least you have three others. as though I was gathering a collection of something and I should be thankful,which of course I was. But,I felt,and still feel now that is was cheated and even though I went on to have another baby a year later,I cannot forget the baby that should have been a part of our family,the hurt is deep within me which no one,unless you have experienced a miscarriage can understand. No one likes to discuss it, it’s as though you are tempting fate to acknowledge it. I had no counselling offered,no one to share my experience with and it still causes me pain when I think I was left to flush my baby away down the toilet. Some may say,it was only a fetus. Well, that fetus would have developed into a baby,my baby,my son or my daughter,a brother or a sister and that should never be belittled. X

  56. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. I was told that I was “lucky” because I was only 8 weeks but I’d known for 4 weeks, so regular (to the hour almost) was my cycle. I was told to be thankful that I was young so in all likelyhood I shouldn’t have trouble next time (and I didn’t but to be told that on the day you hear those words, get that confirmation is not reassuring in the slightest). I was even told that had it happened even 10/15 years before, I most likely wouldn’t have known I was even pregnant as I’d have had to have a test with the GP rather than an accurate home pregnancy test and “Well you can’t be THAT upset because it isn’t like you were actively trying”.

    The world needs to understand that no matter how soon you find out, how long you have known, a miscarriage is heartbreaking.

    A wonderful post. x
    Mummy Glitzer recently posted…Painting and SmilesMy Profile

  57. I feel like I’m just repeating what everyone else is saying but this is such a brave an important post. I lost a baby, not a miscarriage, but a termination for medical reasons. It was soul destroying and what really helped was when i did actually feel brave enough to talk about it – other people coming out of the woodwork and saying ‘hey me too’.
    We do need to talk more x
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  58. Thank you for this – so eloquent – I will share it to our facebook page. I meet women every week who have been through miscarriages and am horrified by the things they report other people say to them, even staff in early pregnancy units. There is no adequate response other than the “this is shit – how awful for you” kind. Take care.

  59. Angela says

    Thank you. I miscarried two weeks ago. The most hurtful, insensitive and frequent comment have been – ‘well you can try again’. No one in their right mind would say the equivalent: ‘well you can always get a new partner’ to a widow/widower. Yet people seem to think that it’s appropriate to say this to parents who have suffered a miscarriage.

  60. Lee says

    I’ve read this with tears streaming down my face – someone has finally nailed what it feels like! It’s so hard to explain to someone who hasn’t had a miscarriage how devastating it feels, no matter what stage.
    Thank you for sharing your story and I only hope this is as widely read as it should be x

  61. Wow. I was literally moved to tears by this post and I was still thinking about it when I went to sleep last night. My heart goes out to you and I hope that you’ve got a loving family to give the hugs and love that you deserve. We’ve been trying for a baby for a while now and the longer it takes the more you want it. I can’t imagine getting to that point and then loosing something so precious that you waited for so patiently. I really do hope that things will work out for you. Thank you for sharing such a heavy heart felt post with us.

    Katie x
    http://www.missenchanting.co.uk/
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  62. As soon as I saw the post title, I felt light-headed. I am so sorry to hear what you went through, not once but twice. That must have been so hard. I miscarried the night before my 12-week scan and will never forget how totally wretched the whole experience was. And you’re so right, no words seemed to help at the time. But time is of course the key, and although the pain never quite goes away perhaps we learn to live with it. Love and hugs x
    Knackered Mother recently posted…Camping WineMy Profile

    • I think we definitely learn to live with it. I do not feel as raw about it now, as often, but it can still catch me off guard sometimes and surprises me every time when it does. Thank you for your lovely comment and sharing your experience with me. I’m sorry it happened to you too x

  63. Anon says

    I had to comment on this because it rang so true with me. I have just had my third miscarriage in 12 months and hardly anyone knows. Why don’t we talk about it? If people were more aware of the pain and suffering caused by miscarriage, to so, so many women, perhaps they would be more sensitive to it. But no one talks. Are we ashamed? Embarrassed? What it is?

    I’m a hypocrite though. I’ve gone anon on here and as much as I want to share this on my FB and twitter, I wont. Why? I don’t know. We just don’t talk about it do we?

    Beautifully written and I 100% relate to it. Well done and I’m sorry for your losses.

    • I am sorry for your losses too and you are not a hypocrite in anyway. Just someone who is in pain. In your own time my love and if you ever do want to talk about it, welcome back here anytime x

  64. Sarah says

    This is the post I have been trying to write for the last 4 weeks since my miscarriage. It’s thoughtful and heartbreaking and absolutely truthful. Thank you for saying that any loss at any time is important.

    • Hi Sarah, I am so sorry. You must still be feeling so raw about it. You will get through this. May not feel like it right now, but you will x

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  66. I am so sorry that you have gone through all this heartbreak. I lost my first baby very early on, but it is still painful. Luckily for me after another 10 months I got pregnant with Baby and she stuck. Lots of love xx
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  67. I’ve only just discovered your blog, and only did because I have heard many people talk about this brilliant post of yours. And it is. Utterly amazing and one that will stick with me for a long time. I’ve never gone through what you have and my heart goes out to you. It took me nearly 3 years to even get pregnant and the whole trying to get pregnant thing was so stressful, let alone if someone has to go through a miscarriage too. Pregnancy is both a beautiful miracle and as scary as hell.Thank you for sharing and being so brave, much love and respect xxx

  68. Lynda says

    HI, thanks for your post about miscarriage. To all the ladies who have posted on here , and their partners, im so sorry for your losses, i so understand your pain. It can be a very lonely time when you lose a baby, i think in the first few weeks i felt numb, but as the months went by i felt totally depressed and bereft. I wish others would realise that when someone suffers a miscarriage its as painful as any other bereavement in life. Ive read posts online which refer to it the “Silent Grief”. I suffered a miscarriage 3 years ago, and i still think about the baby i lost. When i see children out and about who would be the same age as my baby would be now, it makes me so sad. Although im very lucky to have 3 healthy children, i still feel in my heart i have 4 children. At the time i lost my baby i found this little poem online, it was written by a lady called Ellen Dubois from the US who had suffered miscarriages too………

    Dear God,
    Please hold my unborn child in your ever-loving embrace.
    Please let my child know that my love can’t be erased.
    Please bless me on this earth and help to ease the pain.
    Please plant a seed within my baby’s heart of sunshine, not of rain.
    Please help the days get easier and the nights go quickly by.
    Please hold my hand when I can’t do anything- but cry.
    Please increase my faith so I believe my baby is with You.
    Please forgive me when my sadness makes me come completely unglued.
    Please let my baby know that there’ll always be a place-
    within my heart, just for my baby, full of Divine Grace.
    And, when You call me Home to Your Kingdom up above-
    Please let me hold the baby-
    I never held…
    but, always loved.
    Amen.
    Ellen DuBois

  69. I have only just found your blog after looking through the Bloggers Key Note on Britmums.
    I don’t really know what to write here, other than that your post has really moved me. I can only imagine what this experience must be like. For you, and for many other women. I feel that it is a very important and honest post that really does deserve to be shared at the Bloggers Key Note. All the very best to you, lovely.

    And of course, YAY to finding your blog :) xxx
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  71. I found this page via BritMumsLive. I am so sorry for your losses. I too have lost babies through miscarriages. In my case it was over 25 years ago. You never forget. I can vividly remember the Dr at the hospital telling me (as he tried to take my blood and missed the spot several times) that although he knew it was sad for me, to him it was common and therefore he was sorry if he didn’t appear sympathetic!!!
    I can remember every due date, and every loss date. My first baby would now be 29!

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  75. Melanie C says

    I had two miscarriages, the first in 2006 at 11 weeks, the second in 2009 at 9 weeks. The first was “easy” for want of a better word – relatively pain free, just a little uncomfortable, in and out of the hospital in less than 3 hours. The second nearly took me with it, I lost half the blood in my body, my heart rate was sky high along with my temperature, I spent 24 hours on a drip, I spent a month with major migraines as my blood tried to find it’s way around my body.

    I was told until you have a third miscarriage, there’s nothing they can do. Not surprisingly, I’ve never wanted to try it again after the last time. I have however done my own research over the years and discovered that blood clotting was 99% the issue and it could be resolved with aspirin. I’ve never been brave enough to try, if I couldn’t carry a baby at 25, how will my 33 year old body ever get away with it.

    Yesterday, it was in the news that a rogue gene causes blood clotting which in turn causes miscarriage … and it can be resolved with aspirin. I want to be strong enough to try but I don’t know if I ever will be.

    Great post by the way, thanks for sharing your story, it’s good to get people talking about miscarriage as it’s normally the elephant in the room. Most people didn’t know what to say to me, I now have very few friends as they stopped contacting me after my last MC, my life is so different now, less confidence and I barely leave the house but in other ways, calmer and just how I need it. One person said to me “These things happen for a reason” … I’m still not sure what the reason is … although maybe it’s just a rogue gene x
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    • Hi there, thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your story. I am sorry to hear about your miscarriages and especially that the second was so traumatic. I am not surprised it has left you fearful of trying again, I feel the same way. I was given a 60% chance of having another m/c so accepted our fate as a family of three. However, I do know of people who have had miscarriages and gone on to use aspirin with much success during their next pregnancy. Have you spoken to your GP? I was given investigative treatment to discover the reason behind my miscarriages. You might have to push for it, but it is available. The strength will come to you, just takes time to recover. One day at a time. You’ll know when you’re ready to try again x

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  78. Beryl Chandler says

    Thank you Grenglish and all you other brave Mums for the original post and all the subsequent comments. I am so sorry for all the loss you all have suffered. I cannot imagine what you all have gone through and indeed still endure. Two of my daughters have had miscarriages. Before these I had met many parents who had lost babies, through miscarriages, cot death, illness, through my years working in a funeral home.
    Death whenever it occurs seems to be such a taboo subject, as a society we seem not to know how to deal with the idea let alone the actuality. We do not know how to talk about it.
    You have all shown it is possible to talk about it in the open not just in a place of death such as a funeral home. I know that the parents I met began to relax and realise that they were in a place where hurt, devastation and anger could be expressed without fear of what others would think. Tears could flow from fathers as well as mothers without embarrassment. The only way this will happen openly is for the rest of us to learn to listen, because only by listening do you discover what can be said.
    I have such admiration for your bravery.

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