Friends & Family, Health & Happiness, Life, Miscarriage, Parenting
comments 27

Miscarriage Never Really Leaves You

My last miscarriage was in January 2013 and for the most part, I have moved on.  Although, as much as it does not hurt me to speak out loud about miscarriage anymore; nor does the memory have the ability to completely floor me when it pops into my mind, it is still always there.

I am reminded of my miscarriages every time someone asks me how many children I have.  Every time someone asks if we planned to have only one and every time someone asks if we plan to have any more.

It does not sting in the way that it used to, but it is there.

It is there every time I go into the loft and see the corner dedicated to baby equipment – a buggy, cot bed, high chairs, car seats and boxes of baby clothes; and it is there every time I ask myself if it is time to let them go.

It does not make me cry, but it does make me sad.

It is there every time my son experiences something new and I wonder if his first is my last.  It makes me hold him tighter, slow down, appreciate our time together as the wonderful gift that it really, REALLY, is.

Miscarriage is the first thing I think about every time we talk about whether we might want to try again, and it is there every time we say we will not.  It is there every birthday when I turn another year older and the window closes even more.

It lingers unspoken in the air with every happy pregnancy announcement.  It does not burn.  It does not torment.  Nonetheless, it is there.

It also rears its head with every news of a devastating loss.  It does not take me quite back to that place again, but I know their pain as well as my own.

It is there every time my son asks for a baby brother.  Not a sister, he is very specific about that.  One day he will read this blog and forgive me.

It is there every time someone recognises my blog for ‘that post’.  My post about miscarriage, it is ok you can say it.  I will not crumble.

It is there in my dreams.  I used to see blood when I slept.  Now I see 3 children playing in the sand.

I have moved on.  Miscarriage rarely comes up in my every day conversations anymore, but it is always there and I will never forget.

*****

You can also follow me on TwitterInstagramFacebook, Google+ and Pinterest

27 Comments

  1. Emma Costigan-Gevaux says

    Hun, reading this article was like you were reading my mind. I think you have summed up how most women feel that have been through the experience, it gets easier with every day but will never leave us. When the ‘didn’t you want more children’ question is asked I still don’t know how to react, especially when asked by people who know that we have been through this experience. I still feel like a mum of three, just one is my angel looking after us from above. I am grateful every day for the girls I have and thank my angel for making me feel that way rather than taking them for granted. Keep strong Hun. X

    • That is a really good way of looking things. I wonder if losing two has made me appreciate the one I have so much more. A part of me doesn’t want to forget either though. I want to remember the children we made but never got the chance to meet.

  2. It doesn’t leave. Mine came back to me in a flood when I watched you stand so bravely and read your post about miscarriage to the assembled audience. The tears rolled down my face. Yes, some were tears for myself, for the babies I would never hold, but so many more were for you, that you had to suffer such a loss too, that others before and after have suffered the same pain. It is not fair.

    But what is good is that you have been able to write so eloquently, share your experience, tell us it’s OK to talk about it. Because whilst suffering miscarriages is a very lonely business, knowing that others understood helped me, knowing that others still could get an insight from your post and understand my experience helped too.
    Domestic Goddesque recently posted…Dutch Store HEMA opens in BromleyMy Profile

    • You hit the nail on the head when you say miscarriage is a lonely business. That is exactly how it felt for me. If people feel they can talk about their experience more openly and to feel they can say they are not ok, even if 10 years have passed, because they have read one of these posts, then it was worth every minute it took to write them. Actually the writing bit was easy. Hovering over the publish button was the hard bit xx

  3. Thanks for this post.

    My last two pregnancies have been all about miscarriage. I can’t be pregnant without thinking about my miscarriages. Haven’t lost this one and gotten further with it than the last two but it’s always there.

    Your M-word post, being designated driver at Christmas struck a chord with me – that was me last year. No reason I should be ‘unlucky’ again. Started to miscarry on boxing day then ERPC in the new year. It was crap. Lots of consolation in wine.
    Mia recently posted…There’s a baby in Mummy’s tummyMy Profile

    • It is perfectly natural for you to worry through pregnancy after a miscarriage. It makes you realise that we really can’t take anything for granted. It’s such a crap thing to happen at anytime, but like you I had an erpc in the new year and it was a hideous way to start a new year.

  4. Thank you for sharing – you’ve described so well how I feel, and as someone else said above, it’s a lonely business. It helps to know others feel the same way and if only people would think twice before asking those innocent questions about the size of your family or plans for more children. I too struggle with what to say when people ask and my heart sinks when I have to go into the loft. Thank you for having the courage to share.

    • Thank you for your lovely comment Dee. I think the comment above about miscarriage being a lonely business hit the nail on the head too. It’s fine that other people don’t ‘get it’ but I love that I can come here on my blog and talk to lots of others who do.

  5. Emily-Jane Hillman says

    I have no idea how my flat number came up as my comment previously, fumble on my part no doubt. Funny, I was thinking about my miscarriages today following a dream where I was embracing a teenaged child I had never met – lovingly seemed to be my son – a boy – how many girls and how many boys? We were discussing his love for science and where he should go to university. I found myself weeping in the kitchen as I shared the dream with my husband. Thanks for posting. It’s good that we talk about these things if we can. It helps.

    • Don’t worry, I deleted that one 🙂 It definitely helps me to read all these comments and know that others feel the same way. Weirdly, I have a dream about a girl I am carrying on my hip who feels like she is mine too. I wasn’t sure what it meant, but I think about the dream and the girl often, so maybe she was one of the two I never got to meet.

  6. Angela Findlay says

    A timely post. Just yesterday, driving home, I felt sad about losing four babies. I wondered if I could keep ttc, knowing there’s a very good chance I would have the same thing happen again. The sadness doesn’t burn like it did after the miscarriages, but it is always there. I too wonder if I should sell the baby gear. Is there any point in keeping it? How will I ever trust my body again to nurture a baby past 10 weeks?

    Your posts really do reflect how I feel, but I could never articulate it as beautifully as you have. Thankyou.

    • I too have lost all trust in my body with regards to pregnancy. Although my first pregnancy was complication free, the birth of my son was long and resulted in a crash c-section and then with two miscarriages after, I have doubted my ability to successfully carry and birth another baby.

  7. Thanks for writing this blog post, I found you via Mumsnet.

    You have basically described my life as it is at this point. I too have a 4 year old daughter. I too had a miscarriage in 2013. It took me months to get over it & I don’t think I’ll ever truly get over it. I’ll never forget anyway. I’m trying to accept having one child. I feel so grateful to have her, I really do. But I also think about all the things you’ve said above. every single one of your thoughts…I’ve had them too…especially about the baby stuff in the loft. I can’t even face getting rid of it.

    I’m finding it even harder because my daughter is starting school in 3 weeks time. It will feel like I’ve lost my right arm, I will miss having her with me every day. It also feels harder because my baby would’ve been due in April 2014, I would’ve been busy with a young baby just as my daughter started school. Now I’m going to be home alone. Missing her & missing what could have been.

    Thanks again for writing this & for writing your other post on miscarriage. I think & feel all the things you’ve written about…it’s so good to know I’m not alone. And you’re not alone either.
    pouch recently posted…Allotment GoodiesMy Profile

  8. Maria O'Flaherty says

    Thank you for your heartfelt and honest post. I felt such hopelessness and desolation after miscarrying my first three pregnancies. I could find no reasons or answers for why I had lost my babies, and therefore no hope that it might be any different the next time around. But I am now 20 weeks along with what I pray will be a healthy baby. Try not to give up hope. Believe that it can happen again for you. Sending you hugs and hope, xxx Maria

  9. Thanks for your poignant and honest posts, they’ve helped me and others much more than you know. I’m so sorry for your losses. It doesn’t leave you but I prefer to think of it as how our babies never leave us, no matter what form they’re in. I’ve been through a second miscarriage and there’s no words to describe how devastating it is to someone who hasn’t been there, but then you get up and you go on and today I’m surprisingly ok. Not every day, but it’s day by day eh? I hope you’ve found writing through it a helpful and healing experience. Please cherish yourself and don’t give up hope, our bodies do and are capable of doing more incredible things than we can imagine! x
    Uju @Babesabouttown recently posted…Camp Bestival 2014 Review: A Weekend with the Circus!My Profile

  10. Mink says

    That was lovely, thank you. 7 years on and still brings a tear, and lots of what ifs and whys. Time does not heal! Time makes it bearable/liveable. Will never forget x

  11. Pingback: No More Babies? - Grenglish

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge