My last miscarriage was in January 2013 and for the most part, I have moved on. Although, as much as it does not hurt me to speak out loud about miscarriage anymore; nor does the memory have the ability to completely floor me when it pops into my mind, it is still always there.
I am reminded of my miscarriages every time someone asks me how many children I have. Every time someone asks if we planned to have only one and every time someone asks if we plan to have any more.
It does not sting in the way that it used to, but it is there.
It is there every time I go into the loft and see the corner dedicated to baby equipment – a buggy, cot bed, high chairs, car seats and boxes of baby clothes; and it is there every time I ask myself if it is time to let them go.
It does not make me cry, but it does make me sad.
It is there every time my son experiences something new and I wonder if his first is my last. It makes me hold him tighter, slow down, appreciate our time together as the wonderful gift that it really, REALLY, is.
Miscarriage is the first thing I think about every time we talk about whether we might want to try again, and it is there every time we say we will not. It is there every birthday when I turn another year older and the window closes even more.
It lingers unspoken in the air with every happy pregnancy announcement. It does not burn. It does not torment. Nonetheless, it is there.
It also rears its head with every news of a devastating loss. It does not take me quite back to that place again, but I know their pain as well as my own.
It is there every time my son asks for a baby brother. Not a sister, he is very specific about that. One day he will read this blog and forgive me.
It is there every time someone recognises my blog for ‘that post’. My post about miscarriage, it is ok you can say it. I will not crumble.
It is there in my dreams. I used to see blood when I slept. Now I see 3 children playing in the sand.
I have moved on. Miscarriage rarely comes up in my every day conversations anymore, but it is always there and I will never forget.