So, Bella is a vampire.
The first thing she sees when she opens her vampire red eyes is her husband, Edward. She is looking remarkably well for someone who just 2 days ago gave birth, died, was bitten all over her body with lethal venom and completed the painful transition from human to vampire.
With her Kate Middleton blow-dry, beautifully plucked eyebrows and flawless skin, she is far removed from the grungy Bella we met in the first installment of the Twilight Saga.
Vampires are meant to be gorgeous though, right? Just look at Vampire Eric in True Blood… Damon Salvatore in The Vampire Diaries… oh and those Lost Boys were pretty cute too.
After a quick smooch with her husband, Bella is whisked off to the mountains in a cobalt blue bandage dress to learn how to hunt and control her thirst for blood, before being allowed to meet her half human/half vampire daughter, Reneesme.
It is assumed that Bella will follow the Cullen’s vegetarian diet plan of feasting on animal blood rather than the tastier human variety, so wild deer is offered first up on the menu. However, the scent of a lone rock climber elsewhere in the vicinity proves too much of a distraction for Bella and she shoots off on his trail, leaping from tree to tree and scaling mountain faces by her fingernails.
She is just about to move in for her first kill when Edward catches up and talks her down from the mountain. Demonstrating amazing self-control, Bella dashes off again, tackles a mountain lion to the ground instead and sinks her teeth in like a pro.
Jacob is waiting for her when she gets back. Only Bella does not know yet that he has gone and imprinted on her newborn baby girl. Imprinting is wolf-speak for wanting to protect and be there for someone forever more. Still feels a bit wrong and creepy to me.
Bella goes mental on him, as you would hope she would. Much to Edward’s amusement, she pushes him about a bit using her new-found vampire strength. Anyway Jacob goes on to explain that imprinting on a baby is not wrong or creepy at all, and that he only wants to protect ‘Nessie’ and she seems to tolerate this explanation.
So like a father figure then? A big brother? No, I think he still means in a ‘she’s my lobster’ kind of way…
Don’t worry Bella, because if she continues to grow at the rate that she is, then she’ll be middle-aged in a few months anyway.
Just 24-hours in her new super powered body and Bella had mastered the art of self-control when in close proximity to human blood and given whole new meaning to the phrase post-coital glow.
Ah yes, there is an orgasm scene. If your hair does not glow orange when you are getting jiggy with your husband then do not watch it as it’ll just make you feel that you are missing out on something… and you will most definitely be missing out on the funniest scene of the entire movie.
We were howling with laughter in our seats. Although I am not sure that was the intention when they filmed it…
If that is the funniest scene of the movie, then the second funniest must definitely be the one where Jacob reveals his true form to Bella’s Dad, Charlie. Fans of Jacob will be disappointed to learn that this is the only gratuitous shirt off scene in the film though.
Obviously, it would not be Twilight if there was not a big stand-off with The Volturi in the snow.
But, I’m not going to tell you about that.
The ending did not exactly follow the plot of the book.
It was unexpected to say the least and I had not prepared myself for it at all.
It was totally AWESOME.
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