I just cannot seem to stick to a diet.
I have tried ALL OF THEM and every single one I have cheated on and abandoned.
I am sorry 4-Hour Body, I really thought you might be the one but I just indulged in that damn obligatory binge day 6-days too often.
I have finally admitted to myself that it is not actually the diets that are fundamentally flawed, it is me.
I have realised that to really lose weight, all I have to do is eat less and move more.
But I like to eat, and I like to sit on the sofa under a blanket and watch Stella, and I love to drink red wine. A lot.
I don’t want to stop doing any of that, but then I’ll always be fat. You can understand my dilemna.
My relationship with food needs to change. I need to form new habits. I really need to stop stuffing my face so much.
In an attempt to understand where I might have been going wrong all this time, I recently started to examine the eating behaviours of skinny people, or more specifically, people who have recently lost a shed load of weight and look FAB-U-LOUS.
Not in a weird stalkery kind of way, just a subtle glance over a shoulder here and a quick peek over a shoulder there.
These are just a few of the observations I made (beware, some may shock you!):
Slim Jims do not have 2 slices of toast with lashings of real butter for breakfast or go back in for a third
They do not have a second breakfast, even if it is ‘just’ a cereal bar
They have the fruit platter
They take the stairs
They do not gaze longingly at the office vending machine
They do not spend £11 on lunch at M&S, with the intention of having just a little bit of each item but devouring it all in two sittings… spaced 20-mins apart
They snack on fruit, carrot and celery sticks, cucumber and the occassional oatcake
They do not snack on beef hula hoops and twirls
Carbs are a dirty word after 5pm
They pour ONE small glass of wine
When eating out, they order fish and salad. Not a bacon cheeseburger with fries and onion rings
They drink lots of water
They do not eat cheese
A treat is a 2-finger kitkat, not a family sack of Minstrels
They take a slice of pizza, not the box
They do not finish everything on their plate
They have leftovers for lunch the next day
Biscuits are not dinner
They can be found browsing the popcorn aisle at the supermarket instead of the pick ‘n mix
Five roast potatoes do not count as 5-a-day
All you can eat buffets are a total waste of money
They do not talk about food all day
Soup is a main meal
Exercise is not just clicking the mouse to book the zumba class but actually going to it 3-times a week
They do not wait to weigh themselves until first thing in the morning, after stripping off to their undies and doing a wee
After a bad day, they do not cheer themselves up with cheesecake
After a good day, they do not treat themselves to cheesecake
If they are having a fat day, they do not console themselves with cheesecake
If they are having a thin day, they do not reward themselves with cheesecake
They are not entitled to claim Gift Aid on their Weightwatchers membership
They eat only when they feel hungry…
I know, weird right?!
Nominations are now open for the 2013 MAD Blog Awards. I was thrilled to be a finalist in the 2012 awards for Best Family Fun Blog and would love to be there again this year. Obviously, I’d be chuffed to bits to be nominated in any of the categories, but think I stand the best chance in Best Family Fun, Best Family Life or Most Entertaining Blog. You can click here to nominate and will need my blog URL – http://grenglish.co.uk