I’ve been writing about my life on the internet for a little over 4-years. I have told stories about my family, shared my experiences of miscarriage, confided many of my insecurities, and trusted you with all the wonky bits of my personality.
When I first started writing this blog, only 2 people read it and one of them was me!
Sharing your life with the internet is scary. People you do not know will read it and come to a conclusion about who you are. Some of the responses you get will be overwhelmingly positive, and others not so much. But, I never really worried about what the people living inside my laptop thought about me. In my mind, they are not real. I know if it ever gets too much, I can just close the lid and make them go away.
But when the people you know in real life read your blog, they often want to talk to you about it. Everyone you know, knows all your business. I have been stopped in the supermarket to talk about miscarriage, and asked on the school run how I am feeling after my latest Hashimoto’s flare-up. Don’t get me wrong, I love it when someone reads my blog, and even more when I have written something that has resonated with someone in even the slightest way – this is definitely one of the perks of the job.
However, every time I sit down to write a post at the moment, I start to think about the people who might be reading it – family, other bloggers, school mums, friends, neighbours… and the words fall out of my mind. I just sit there looking at a blank computer screen waiting for inspiration that never seems to come.
I have posts sitting in drafts that I can’t finish. I worry that they not good enough, funny enough, relevant enough, or honest enough. I worry that all my words are shit. Or, that I am full of shit.
I have become scared of blogging.
Scared of offending, over sharing, being made fun of, talked about, or perhaps even worse, being totally ignored. I am not sure that the disappointment of spilling your heart on a page for only 2 people to read, is greater than having 3,000 people feeling disappointed that they bothered to click at all.
In the blogging community, it can also be easy to feel left behind. There are so many ways to compare yourself to your peers in terms of pages views, social media followers, awards, opportunities and rankings. Sometimes, I catch myself apologising for my blog for being such an underachiever.
I know I need to lean into the fear.
Accept that this post may not be the most perfectly crafted or interesting one ever written; and that some people may even find me self-indulgent for writing it. It may not be liked, shared or commented on and it won’t win any awards. I may even get asked about it at the park, weeks after I have moved on, when I’d prefer to talk about unicorns instead.
But I will publish it anyway because I’m not going to let the fear win today.
Tomorrow, we’ll see.