All posts tagged: miscarriage

Pregnancy after Miscarriage

Written in partnership with the The Portland Hospital. When I got pregnant just 3-months after my miscarriage, I was still dealing with lingering feelings of loss and sadness. I thought seeing the word ‘Pregnant’ appear on the pregnancy test would make me feel as happy and excited as it had with my first two pregnancies; but it was quite the opposite. From the moment I knew I was expecting another baby, I mostly felt scared and anxious. While friends and family all around me were happily announcing the news of their pregnancies, I kept my own hidden. I could not bear to have to break it to everyone all over again that another pregnancy had ended before it had even got started. I remember going in for an early pregnancy scan at my local hospital, waiting to learn my fate. Sitting beside me were women of all stages of pregnancy, some feeling kicks and others holding scan photos. I sat quietly. Waiting, obsessing and bargaining. Although an even earlier scan at 7-weeks had detected a …

Miscarriage Never Really Leaves You

My last miscarriage was in January 2013 and for the most part, I have moved on.  Although, as much as it does not hurt me to speak out loud about miscarriage anymore; nor does the memory have the ability to completely floor me when it pops into my mind, it is still always there. I am reminded of my miscarriages every time someone asks me how many children I have.  Every time someone asks if we planned to have only one and every time someone asks if we plan to have any more. It does not sting in the way that it used to, but it is there. It is there every time I go into the loft and see the corner dedicated to baby equipment – a buggy, cot bed, high chairs, car seats and boxes of baby clothes; and it is there every time I ask myself if it is time to let them go. It does not make me cry, but it does make me sad. It is there every time my son experiences something new and I …

Talking About the M-Word

I spent most of Saturday afternoon at BritMums Live DREADING having to get up and read a post out at the Blogger’s Keynote. I knew this would happen.  I do not get nervous walking into a room full of strangers and making conversation with the person standing next to me.  I hardly ever fret about what I am going to wear.  I can arrange to meet a friend in a pub and be quite happy waiting at the bar by myself with a glass of Prosecco.  I am also happy to eat in a restaurant alone.  Don’t bat an eyelid, in fact. But, ask me to stand up on a stage and speak to a room full of strangers and my stomach will turn somersaults.  My hands will feel clammy and I will literally tie myself up in knots worrying about it until it is all over.  I am not a natural performer and I feel very self-conscious when all eyes are on me. Then I remembered that was how I had felt right before I hit publish on the post that …

We Need to Talk About the M-Word

Miscarriage. About one in four pregnancies will end this way and yet for something that is sadly so common, most people still know so very little about it. People who have experienced the hurt of a miscarriage feel uncomfortable and embarrassed even, to talk about it. I am not sure if this is because we are told it is taboo to announce a pregnancy before the magic 12-weeks, so feel any loss before then will not be accepted as real. Is a pregnancy in its first 3-months less wanted, less planned for, less loved? Does a woman who loses her baby at 11-weeks have less right to feel as devastated than one who miscarried at 13-weeks? Miscarriage is utter crap at whatever stage it happens. It does not feel like a heavy period – physically or emotionally. It is not something that you can get over with a cup of hot tea and a hug.  Although that is still nice, obviously. It is devastating. It is confusing. And, it is terrifying. It was not supposed …

Understanding Thyroid Antibodies

If I am being completely honest with myself, I had not been feeling quite right, for quite some time. I blamed being a working mum for my tiredness.  I blamed tiredness for my brain fog.  I blamed brain fog for my forgetfulness. I felt guilty for not being more capable.  I crammed our weekends with so much activity, so I would not feel tempted to lie flat on the sofa and leave my son to entertain himself. I really wanted to lie flat on the sofa and leave my son to entertain himself. But I didn’t. I kept going.  The more defeated my body felt, the more determined I was to push on through. I blogged about my how my tolerance to late nights had changed and how I needed more sleep than ever before, but was getting so much less of it. I visited the doctor for minor ailments – dry skin, a rash, mouth ulcers, chin acne, anxiety.  They said I was run down. I suffered two miscarriages.   Just unlucky, they reassured me. I …