As I sit here typing, I am idly picking at the last of the festive macaroons so that they are all ‘gone’ by the new year, which I plan to sing in with a belly full of curry and sparkling wine.
Over the past month, I have also quietly polished off endless mince pies, chocolates, cheese boards, pate on homemade breads, pigs in blankets, crisps, nuts, olives and crackers.
Biscuits, turkey, roast potatoes, cake, edible christmas tree ornaments and leftover sandwiches.
Cheese pies, creamy pastas and toast soaked in real butter.
Even my ‘big’ jeans have had enough and are refusing to zip up until the eating madness stops.
I have been avoiding the scales since September, after an over indulgent summer that drifted into Autumn and now Winter. I have been ignoring the tightness of the denim kneading my thighs, and pretending the double chin I see in photos is the result of a bad angle.
The truth is, there are no good angles at the moment. You can no longer see my cheek bones because I have stuffed my face like a hamster storing up food. The support knickers that once provided a smooth silhouette, now push excess skin above the elastic, beyond my waistline, and to its final resting place under my bra.
Much like when I was pregnant, I am wearing tent dresses and tunics because they are the only clothes that cover my bulging hips. To one Christmas party, I wore the same dress I wore to the Greek God(zilla)’s 40th birthday when my son was only 3-months old, and I am sure it fitted better then.
I have lost control.
As uncomfortable as I feel in my own skin at the moment and as much as I loathe myself every time I shove another carb in my mouth, I know I am going to keep going until new year’s day.
I am not sure why I feel so certain that my will power will return then, having been absent for so long, but in my mind that is when I will drag it back, kicking and screaming if I have to.
The first step was a step on the scales, and it was worse than I thought. Not only have I gained back all the weight I lost on Slimming World, but a few more pounds have congregated around the eat as much as you like buffet table too.
It has to stop.
I have been in touch with my old Slimming World consultant, who has welcomed me back to group with open arms. She just had to open them a bit wider this time.
So, while I am disappointed to be starting yet another year with weight loss as my primary goal, I am relieved to have finally reached the point where I am keen to do something about it, and that is half the battle.
Now, excuse me while I finish off this last wedge of cheese.